when everything is out of sorts
and the road feels wrong,
when I am off kilter
and feeling left unfulfilled
with no steady peace inside,
and I can’t make up my mind,
heart and mind misaligned,
how can you say that this is the way
–to wait in the tension
of discordant notes and unresolved endings,
turning it over and over
to tug on wrong strings
“An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” -Proverbs 24:26
Why we lie
was the name of a magazine article
sitting on a shelf as I waited in line.
A younger version of myself
might have turned through the pages of the article,
secretly hoping to find a new answer
for all the lies I have been told.
As if the article could reveal
all the corresponding truths that were never spoken
or fill the hole created by each stretch of truth,
the distance that opened between us
that was also a pit of disappointment and hurt,
sometimes too wide to be crossed.
But then, I have told my fair share of lies,
turning to kiss on the cheek and avoiding eyes,
instead of being seen for all of who I really am.
you are learning my limits
bounding me in
slowly stepping around
and pressing down
where you want
to keep me safe
but my love was meant
to bend low
and slip underneath
to let you encircle
and fold over me
It was like brewing coffee
with no lid on the carafe below:
an open container no good for dripping into.
Or like a signal with no receiver
sending out flashes in the night,
the station set to another frequency.
With nowhere for this love to be taken in,
empty and fruitless,
you opened up your heart a little wider
and sat beside me.
I have thrown down this spade
and with hands still covered in dirt, circled.
I know these limbs,
the little knobs and crooked angles,
have rested in the empty branches
and let the broken grooves catch my hair.
But for all of my time spent toiling,
pouring forth and tending,
It is You who speak the word of life.
like sandpaper to my soul
this day of days
a return to you
my forehead to the ground
and Your law within my heart
Turn my eyes to see your face
when I have turned away to move on my own
and I don’t know where you are.
Turn my eyes to see yours
so that I can know you just a little bit more
and where you will move.
Turn my face to see your view
and look in my eyes to see where I would run
and hold me there.